THE INTERNET IS FOR CAT PICS

I’m not one of those “Oh it’s a made-up blah-bity blah and commercialism and what have you” people. All of that is true. All holidays are made up. But some are made up out of the will of a group of humans to truly express joy or sorrow about a particular event and to mark the passing of time/seasons/effect of gravity on boobs & moobs.

V-day is not one of those. Valentine’s Day as presented in these United States only serves to establish unrealistic goals for both halves of a relationship and continues to contribute to the selfishness with which we are becoming consumed. Get me this, you didn’t get me that. I bought you this, so put out.I’m not a fan of any of it. Well…I do love conversation hearts, but lets face it they’re just Necco wafers in a different shape. I don’t need Vday to but them.

From this point on, this is mostly for straight couples. I don’t have any experience with the nuances of gay relationships…although I imagine people are people so the shit is the same, really. But I don’t know. So I speak to the hets. Listen up, jerkwads:

Ladies: If you feel the need to test your man’s love, and the yardstick by which you measure his passing is the precious gem/metal/stuffed gift/calorie carbo-load he brings you, along with the culled sexual organs of particularly eye-pleasing plants, then you? You suck. As a woman, as a partner and as a human being. Fucking grow up. Ryan Reynolds isn’t coming to sweep you away. Edward and Jacob don’t fucking exist. Grow the hell up. Stop imaging your life is like those shitty books you read/movies you watch and stop setting yourself up to be disappointed. Look more closely at him. Are you absolutely sure he’s not demonstrating ways in which he loves you, or is he just not doing the things you read about/see on TV?

Men: if you can only make your woman feel the “depth” of your emotion with a box of hip-widening fat and some flowers you bought at Stop & Shop on the way home from work, you, sir, are a shitty excuse for a man. You know how you show love? Don’t stick your dick in places it doesn’t belong. Pick up your own shit. Learn to cook something you lazy fuck. How about you don’t take her continued existence for granted 364 days out of the year? Maybe, and here’s a crazy fucking idea, tell her you love her.

Both of you: If you think your relationship is failing/has failed because Valentine’s Day wasn’t like it is in the movies? Then you’re right. It has failed, and you made it fail, and it’s not his fault or her fault, it’s your faults. Because you’re idiots who don’t know that love isn’t a card or flowers or a box of candy or a teddy bear. It’s being there when things are not sunshine and double rainbows all the way. It’s trying to put the other person if not ahead of yourself, then at least equal in your thoughts. It’s about the million little things that transpire all day, every day between two people that have chosen to share a life. If all of those things start from a basis of “I love this person, and I want to make their life better if I can” then U R DOIN IT RITE.

And for the 20-30 men I saw milling around the grocery store floral shop tonight? I pity you poor bastards. I pity you because you’re one of those guys, or I pity you because you have a woman that has made you feel like you have to be one of them. Either way, you lose.